Gallery

Helplessness

Grandma’s Current Status:
-Doesn’t remember who I am
-Doesn’t speak at all, unless she wants grandpa, or if she needs to use the restroom
-Legs are totally lame.
-She is so thin now…Just unbelievably thin.
-She’s sleeping most of the day
-She cannot eat (until we get a hospital bed in here)
-She drinks water, lying on her side. She isn’t capable of using a straw.
-She cries because of the unbearable pain in her back.

Grandpa went out for a walk today and told me to linger downstairs just in case grandma needed any assistance or called out for help. I stayed downstairs and low and behold, my grandma grumbles for my grandpa about 10 minutes after he has left for the park. She looked at me, but there was no more excitement to see me (as there normally would be), there was no more spark in her eyes, but she was only searching for my grandfather. Her independent and strong-willingness is still evident, because she tried to get up by herself!!! This woman is truly amazing. I help her sit up while she is crying out in anger as to why my grandpa can’t just stay by her side and then she groans. Her back is now in utter pain and as I try to hold her up, she tells me to stop and she falls forward as if there is pressure that is pushing her forward. At this point I was scared and I told her to lie down while I called my grandfather to come home. She lied down and fell asleep again and when grandpa came she was sound asleep.

But, as I sat with her at her bed space waiting for grandpa, I had a feeling overcome me that I’ve never felt before when I was with my grandma. I felt helplessness. I thought, for the past month that I would do everything in my power and will to help my grandmother fight the hard battle against cancer, but I now know that I cannot do anything, but prayer. It’s humbling to know that you can only do so much and the rest is up to God.

I knew that cancer was rough. But boy, little did I know, that it would be this rough.

If I’m feeling this way, I can’t imagine how grandpa, mom, and dad feel.

 

Keep fighting, Grandma.

 

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